The Dark Mountain which I have crossed. [Experience]

Hey, Amazing person,

This post is about my recent tragic experience, So if you are in a good mood and don't want to ruin it. You can skip reading this post. It might be a bit negative and sad. Anyways I wish you a wonderful time. Stay blessed and happy.

The Split

I had a breakup recently, even tho it wasn't much of a breakup per se. But still, I and the other person are not communicating with each other anymore, so technically it is kind of a breakup. I have been in many proper breakups throughout my life, like where you get to talk with each other about your problems with one another Or about the guy/girl you're meeting with new and got to like them. But this one is not even close to any of that yet it's very tragic, painful, and scarring for me. 

I am writing this as an experience journal that I can look back to and also share my same feeling with others who are going through similar situations.

It's safe to say now that,

"Sometimes life teaches you lessons, It might be distasteful, ugly, and harsh. But those lessons are important for growing as a better self."

The Jollity

The time when everything was beautiful. Waking up was the best part of the day and going to sleep was the questioning one. Every day felt better and better. It was clouds of joy and moments of memories being generated every minute. The amazing feeling of the company with that special one. I don't want to talk too much about the happy part now. So let's carry on to the meat of the post.

The Rift

The night I never wanted to happen, when all the clouds began to fade into nothingness. The night I feared the most, The one night I always wished never came. But yet, it's there. Waiting for me to fathom it.

Even tho I have experienced this feeling before, but this one especially made a huge impact. It made me feel sick to my stomach. The dark clouds started to cloud my brain with the most unimaginable thoughts. I began losing control of myself. I wish I didn't know what was happening at the moment. But I knew everything that was happening. I was numb but yet full of emotions. 
I always believed I am very mature and balanced when handling situations like these. But who knew, I am still an amateur in this part of life. I trembled in pain, mixed emotions, anger, neglect, feeble and dread. All I wanted was not to feel anything after that and that never happened. 

The Fallout

I always thought it's stupid that, someone can change their self-beliefs and path, just because of a breakup. Well, jokes on me. I did the same exact thing. I started abusing myself with some not-so-good things. At first, it did help me a lot. But after some time, it began to fade off quickly. It stopped helping me to forget things. I was at my worst at this point. I tried more and more of that stuff, but it didn't help me like it used to. 

I don't hate myself for doing it because it taught me new things which I never confront, new perspectives to see things, new ways to feel emotions, and new ways to be creative.
The most important thing was, I was real with myself, and who I am when I was on those things. I felt more self-confident, and more myself.
But I wish I had never taken that path, because of the other side effects it still has on me.

My advice to my future self and anyone who needs to hear it or anyone who is/will experience something like this.

Do Not Do It, I repeat it a hundred times. It will ruin you more than it will help you. Just try to talk to people, talk to anyone. Talking will help more than any substance on earth. 

If you don't have anyone to talk to or if you don't feel like talking with someone, just message me(darudemonkie@gmail.com). I am here to listen.

The Awakening

In life, there are some things which everyone will wish to come back or to have another chance with. But life doesn't work that way. Life is always unfair or we believe it to be. It may be for the best or worst. We will never know.

After everything that happened to me. The most important thing I learned was, There are people out there, who cared for me, who actually wanted to talk to me, who actually had hopes in me. Due to the constant self-abuse and the clouded judgments I made. I never saw them, I never talked with them. But the moment I opened up with them, They helped me more than any substance ever could. They help me get back up.

I am forever grateful and thankful to all my friends and family who stuck with me and guided me on the best way to salvation.

Currently, as of 28th December 2021, I am almost 2 months free of substance abuse, and I am now in a better place than I was before. I have evolved and promised myself to become better than who I was. 

To anyone going through the same kind of trouble, or similar thoughts.
Just know that you're not alone, there are people out there who care for you, I care for you. So do not be afraid or questionable of yourself. Stay motivated and healthy.

Happy New Year 2022.
Wishing you and everyone the best.

This is just one of my experiences but I have a huge amount of ideas and thoughts I want to share, so please follow me or bookmark this blog.

Thanks,
Peace out.


If you've any questions, please feel free to ask in the comment section.